without you
by kristy87
Summary: Sara refuses to defense herself by shooting someone...and puts herself into danger...Grissom’s fear to loose her lets him realize how much he loves her, but is he too late? GSR


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

An: I now edited this story…I hope there are less mistakes in it now.

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**without you**

He remembered the expression in her eyes…every time when she had found the case braking evidence on a scene…a mixture of relive and satisfaction. He remembered her smiles…her beautiful bright smiles. These smiles that had always turned bad days into perfect, that had always changed bad mood into happiness. He remembered her voice…the way it changed, depending in which mood she was. When she had been angry it had been strong, so strong…now he realized why she had always been that angry when they worked cases where domestic violence had been a factor…he remembered how she once had attacked a suspect…the Shelton case…her words echoed in his head…._'It got there when you shot your wife in her head!…I am a woman and I have a gun…and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!'_

Thinking of her and knowing that all this was past….that all this….would probably never happen again….that she would probably never speak to him again…devastated him. He glanced at his watch…six hours ago….everything had still been fine, his world had been the way it had always been…denying and pretending that there was nothing he felt for her…a game both of them played although they were both so well aware of the fact that there was something between them…she even more than him, because she allowed herself to feel what she felt. He had always forbidden himself to love her, to want her…and now it was all too late.

What had happened just a couple of hours ago ran through his head again and again. He remembered how her hair had been flying in the wind. A soft, warm wind…he had been fascinated by the way she had looked today…she had been in such a good mood, smiling all the time…he had been wondering what had changed her mood. But he hadn't had enough courage to ask her. She had smiled at him brightly when she had caught him staring at her.

It had been this wonderful, mood changing smile he always thought of when he was all alone at night…trying to sleep, so well aware of the fact that, if he'd have the courage to confess his feelings for her to himself and especially to her, he might not be alone that night.

When they had entered the mine the officer had told him that it was all secured. While he had been talking to David she must have been walking deeper into the mine…searching for possible evidence. Several minutes had passed, without any sign from her. He had waited for her…maybe ten minutes…then he became concerned and had followed her the way he thought she might have taken.

And then he had found her…not alone…a man stood maybe sixteen feet away from her, they were facing each other. Her weapon was leveled at the guy…and the guy's gun was leveled at her. He had felt this horrible feeling of fear in his chest, feeling his heart being squeezed that hard that it was almost braking. He had searched for his gun…but he might have left in his car. He damned himself for being so careless. He had told her to shoot, he had pleaded, he had begged her to shoot. But she had refused. He could see all the fear in her eyes…her wonderful brown eyes…wondering if she would ever open them again.

The next thing he remembered was hearing a shot…her falling down to the ground making a dull sound when she hit it. He remembered him jumping on the guy, still wondering how he had managed to not get shot by him. He had boxed and punched this guy three times with his fist….realizing after the third time that the bastard wasn't breathing anymore. Without paying any attention to him anymore he had been running over to her…relived when he had made sure that she was still breathing. She lay in a pool of blood, it didn't take him long to find the entrance wound of the bullet. He had taken off his shirt and had pressed it on her wound, shouting for help.

And now he was here…physically fine…wishing it would be him on the operation table, struggling for life. Now when he was about to loose her he realized that he needed her. That he needed her more than everything else. He damned himself for ever thinking that she might not be worth loosing something else for. He loved her…more than his own life…and he wished the blood on his clothes would be his instead of hers.

He barely recognized Nick and Greg who had entered the room and sat down next to him.  
"Hey man…how is she?", Nick asked.

"I don't know…she's still in surgery."

"Damn it! How could this happen?"

"I wish I'd know…I have only one explanation for this…she didn't want to kill."

"She once said she could never take a life."

"Yeah…and I know why…damn it! I wish she could have."

"You did.", Greg said softly.

Grissom nodded softly. "I know…but this son of a bitch deserved it."

"You told us we should always try to see the situation with our victim's eyes first…", Nick said.

"…I said that I didn't know if I would…and damn it, I would. And I could…and you know what…I would do it again to save her."

Nock and Greg nodded softly, realizing how much Grissom felt for Sara.

They waited, for about two more hours until they were finally told that the surgery was over. Then the doctor wanted to talk to Grissom in privacy. Grissom followed the doctor into a small office. The doctor told Grissom to sit down, but he refused…all he wanted to know was if Sara was fine…she wasn't. The doctor said that they had stabilized her, but that they were still not sure if she'd make it…her chance to make it through the night was at about 60 percent.

These news were devastating…Grissom swallowed the tears that were about to rise up in his eyes. He knew that he couldn't live without her. When the doctor finally allowed him to see her he felt a little more relieved…he had been told that she was awake by now and that she was on strong painkillers, so he should be careful with her.

He was escorted to her room at the ICU and they were left alone when he sat down next to her bed. He had immediately reached out for her hand. Now he held it in his big, warm hand…her small hand was cold…almost lifeless. She was pale, looked weak and the expressions in her eyes signalized how bad she must feel. Seeing her like this almost broke his heart.

"Hey.", he finally managed to speak.

"Hey.", she whispered softly.

"Sara… I love you." hoping she would realize how much courage this had cost him…and feeling relieved that he had finally told her what he felt for her, he tried to analyze the expression in her face. Some single tears ran down her cheek, not knowing if these were tears of pain or joy, he hoped the best and expected the worst.

"I love you too." she finally managed to say.

"Don't dare to leave me. I couldn't live without you." he said and now let the tears run down his cheeks.

She reached for his cheek with her right hand and whipped the tears away with her thumb.  
"Promise me something… Never forget me." she whispered.

"Sara don't leave me!" He pleaded.

"Grissom this is something we both can't decide…that's destiny."

"No…Sara don't say something like this! Please don't even think something like this! You will live! Promise me that you will live!"

"I can't.…Grissom…I have always loved you…and I will always do. Even if I'm not here anymore…you must know that…that a part of me will always be here with you. Believe me…I would do everything to have the chance to stay here…but I can't decide this. I can't effect this."

Grissom began to cry…hearing her, knowing that she had already given up, drove him crazy.  
"Sara. You wont die. You have to fight!"

"I'm so tired."

"No Sara!"

"I wish I could have shot at him…but I couldn't…I don't want to be a murderer. I don't want to be like my mother."

Grissom swallowed hard. Not knowing if he should tell her that he killed the guy with his bare hands.

"What happened to him?"

Grissom swallowed even harder. "He got what he deserved."

"Did you shoot him?"

"No." this wasn't a lie…he didn't shoot him. He tried to convince himself, hoping she wont ask him what exactly had happened.

"What happened?"

_Damn it!_ Grissom took a deep breath. "Don't hate me for this…but I…I…"

"…I could never hate you…"

"I killed him…with my bare hands."

Sara swallowed hard.

"I did this…because he hurt you. This damned bastard almost killed you. If someone hurts the person I love more than anything else, he deserves nothing better than death." Grissom said hoping she wouldn't hate him for taking a person's life.

"You killed him because he wanted to kill me?"

Grissom nodded softly. Her thumb still caressed his cheek, but it felt different. "Kiss me." she whispered. And he did. Enjoying the feeling of her lips on his.

-.-.-.-.-.-

"You know…the day the hospital called me was the most horrible day in my whole life…I don't hate the day when this bastard shot her…because this was the day when we told each other that we…she told me that she loves me…and I told her that I love her…I told her that I love her more than my own life. And I still love her…and I am so sure that I will never forget her. She…she was that what gave my life a sense…she…she was my life, even if I never confessed this to myself until the day she died." tears ran over his face.

Grissom nodded softly, it was so easy to understand this guy…he remembered the way he had felt when that bastard had shot at Sara…he could understand why Gary Parker had shot Michael Rampert…he could understand him much too well. But there was no way to help Parker…the evidence was much too clear…Parker would have to spend the rest of his life in prison for killing the murderer of the woman he loved.

When Grissom entered his apartment he felt still overwhelmed by the empathy he had for this guy.

"Hey…had a bad day?"

"A day can never be bad when it starts and ends with you in my arms." he said smiling when he put his arms tightly around her waist. "I love you so much Sara."

She smiled….a smile brighter than every smile before. "Good…because I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"Your son got suspended from school because he dissected the deceased hamster of his sister's class."

"He did what?", Grissom asked unbelieving.

"Unbelievable. He is so totally you. And oh, I wished you would have been the one who had to pick him up. Do you know what this dean told me? Hell I was so glad when he had stopped shouting at me and started shouting at Bennie. What is really sarcastic. But hey…it wasn't me who dissected the hamster….it was Bennie. So…it seemed fair."

"You are such a mean mum." he said smiling.

"I know.", she said grinning.

He kissed her softly. "Who gave Bernie to him?"

"_Bernie_?"

"The hamster. His name was Bernie…Lizzy told me."

"Bennie said it was her….why does she tell you how the hamster is called? And hell, why do you always remember those things?"

Grissom grinned and pressed her closer to him. "I'm a nice daddy."

"Well 'nice' Daddy…you'll have to talk to your son…you know I have been the 'bad cop' last time…it's your turn to punish him."

"I don't think we should punish him…he's interested in science…we can't blame him for this. We're both science nerds."

"Honey. He has to know that he can't ask his sister to dig up a dead hamster."

"You mean when he wants a dead hamster he should dig him up on his own?", Grissom asked laughing.

"Gil Grissom!"

"Okay honey. I'll talk to him…house arrest for two weeks?"

"Are you crazy?…Just tell him that you think that this wasn't good and that he should never do this again. If our kid is going to hang around here for full two weeks we can commit suicide right now, because not having a little privacy with you for two weeks would kill me anyway."

A smiled flashed over his lips. "Damn it Sara, sometimes you are so damned cute."

She grinned and kissed him passionately. "I love you."

"And I love you honey. I couldn't live without you…And I thank the Lord every day that he didn't take you away from me."

She twined her arms tighter around his neck and leaned her face against is neck, breathing into his beard. Her eyes were closed and so were his, both enjoying these few quite seconds, both thankful that they had gotten a second chance…that they now, ten years later, were here, married, still loving each other more than words could describe, having two wonderful children, a big house out of town…everything they had always dreamed of. And still they were so aware of the fact, that both of them couldn't live without the other one.

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THE END


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